The Greatest Movie Never Made

Three months ago, when the writers’ strike was still in full effect, I wrote a letter to Wes Anderson. Yes, an actual hand-written letter (of 800 words, no less). In it, I proposed to write a screenplay for him that could be turned into a truly terrific film. Sadly, Mr. Anderson hasn’t replied to my letter to this day. Since I’m sick and tired of waiting for him to realize how great this story is, I’m going to post it here. Many other directors, producers and film-makers frequent this site and I’m sure many of them will be interested in picking up this exciting project. Please excuse the fact that the story is still contained inside the letter format, but since I’m not yet getting paid for this, I couldn’t be bothered to remove the parts addressed to Mr. Anderson. I’m sure you understand.

Dear Wes,

I hope you don’t mind that I call you Wes. I feel that I have known you for such a long time, that it would be strange to call you Mr Anderson. Besides, that would make me think about the Matrix and I’m not sure whether you like that movie. But I absolutely love your movies. Even more than the Matrix. I have seen all of them. (Well, I’ve never seen Bottle Rocket because the DVD is like, 20 bucks, here in Germany, but apart from that I’ve seen everything else.) I love all your movies. Especially The Royal Tenenbaums. The Life Aquatic not so much, but still a little. And The Darjeeling Limited was just strange. But anyway, I’m a great fan of your work and I know that with the current writers’ strike and everything you probably have real trouble getting a new movie started. It’s strange that you have to picket yourself, always writing your own movies. But I am in Germany and here writers think that a strike has something to do with baseball, so I can easily write you a new script. I haven’t actually done it yet, but I have a great idea and will give you the outline now and then after you’ve read that you can call me and we can agree on how much you’ll pay me to write the script. I’m cheaper than those American writers, you know, because I don’t have to feed a family. For some strange reason women tend to stay away from me. But that is enough about me, here’s the basic story:

A young man (I was thinking Jason Schwartzman might be the perfect actor for this role, since you guys seem to have an understanding and he likes starring in your movies, but an even lesser-known actor might be okay as well) uses the internet a lot. On one of his trips through the random data highways, he finds the blog of a young woman that is American, but actually currently lives in a foreign country. (I’m thinking something strange here, like Japan or maybe Germany. Probably Germany, because that way I can write a better script because I actually know what people are like there, being German myself and everything.) He finds her blog extremely entertaining, following it closely and reading everything she posts. It’s funny, it’s witty and everything a blog needs. Slowly, he starts caring more about the girl behind the blog than the blog itself. And one day, she writes something about herself that makes him realize that he actually has fallen in love with her. (I’m thinking something small here. Like maybe that she still uses the bunny-ear method to tie her shoes because she never learnt the proper way. And he does the same.) And so his affection grows and grows, but he never makes contact. Checking her blog becomes something of an obsession. It’s a bit like he’s stalking her, but only from a distance. It’s e-stalking. He doesn’t even know what she looks like. And daily his obsession grows.

But then the catastrophe occurs. She writes something that completely alienates him. (Like that she is going crazy about the movie “Baby Mama” or something like that.) His heart is broken. He realizes that it would never have worked between them. And so he decides to find her to tell her.

And here comes the funny part, where he goes to the foreign country looking for her, not knowing what she looks like or even her real name. In a country where they speak a language he doesn’t know. I haven’t actually thought about that part yet much, but I’m sure it’s something that you could turn into a great film.

I just want to point out at this point that the story is entirely fictional and has nothing to do with anything that happened to me.

At the end he manages to actually find her and tells her how he feels, that it is over between them. At first I thought that she should just get up and leave and that the movie would then end. But now I think that instead of just a pretty face, the actress that portrays her should actually be talented and how great it would be if you could get Ellen Page to take that role and she could reprise her role from Hard Candy a bit.

So, Wes, what do you think? Will you call me to engage me? I’d love to write that movie for you! My phone number is +49XXXXXXXXXXX, but since calling internationally is quite expensive and none of your films have been great commercial successes, you can also e-mail me at xxx@xxx.com (and check out my blog at www.christophhartwig.com while you’re at it!) or send me a letter to Christoph Hartwig, XXX, D-XXXXX XXX, Germany.

I’m very much looking forward to hearing from you! All the best,

Christoph

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